With children, you’re never quite sure which version of them you’re going to get! Some days they wake up ‘on one’ and you know you’ve got a day of battles ahead of you! Sometimes they feel so full of energy that they may actually combust! Sometimes (less frequently in my experience!) you get the model child who wants to sit and patiently take turns with board games and eat broccoli! It’s like they are actors in a play and you haven’t been copied in on the script! I give you the typical cast list of a child on any given day! 

The Negotiator

Characteristics…

Those high pressure telesales call centres have nothing on a small child who has set their attention on something and become ‘the negotiator’. This creature has the ability to wear down the steeliest willed parent to cave in on all parenting principles and do anything for an easy life! They are most often found in supermarkets and other habitats where plastic tat is on sale. They have the eyesight of a night owl and can hone in on all manufactured, synthetic compounds and sugar based products within a 2 mile radius (this is the same super-specific eyesight that they use to spot onions chopped into micro-mini-millimetres in their dinner but that they can’t use to find their shoes when they’ve been asked to get ready to leave the house!!) Their ability to persuade sound minded individuals that they are unable to live without a ‘My little Pony’ magazine or a further eleventy billion kinder eggs is legendary and on the rare occasions that their prey puts up a much of a fight, they can always pull out ‘the possessed’ card! They practice their skills in other walks of life; namely mealtimes (I’ll tell you the deal: I’ll eat 2 peas and a bit of mash but you know what you can do with that chicken!) and getting dressed in highly time pressured situations (I will wear that dress but I want to put it on after I’ve had my breakfast but before I put on my shoes while I’m sat on the stairs!) 

Secret Weapon…

Huge round eyes and the ability to stretch the word ‘please’ out to last 6 whole minutes! 

Most likely to be heard saying…

‘Mummy, I’ll tell you the deal!’ Or ‘How about…’

The Possessed

Characteristics…

This character comes in many different forms and has the ability to adapt to varied environments (although thrives best when in front of an audience of people who are ‘judgy’!!) From a very early age this creature begins to develop the capacity to take on this form and usually has an early trigger, for example being strapped in a car seat or being made to go to bed alone! These triggers become much more varied and commonplace over the course of time however the main one will generally involve being told the word ‘no’! At times, the reasons behind ‘the possessed’ being triggered can seem irrelevant (toast cut into the wrong shape, tableware of the wrong colour etc) however pointing out the insignificance of the trigger appears to only anger them further! Over time they perfect this form, demonstrating behaviours including screaming as if they are being murdered, laying on the floor of public places, holding their breath until they go purple, reaching a pitch of whining only audible to dogs and 360 degree spinning of their heads! Many studies have taken place on the effects of trying to tame ‘the possessed’; pretending they are not yours while walking away appears to be the best approach! 

Secret Weapon…

Being able to develop either the rigidity of a concrete block or alternatively lose all body tone and go completely floppy at a moment’s notice thus rendering manoeuvrability of any kind to become impossible!

Most likely to be heard saying…
AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

The Philosopher 

Characteristics…

‘The Philosopher’ has an inbuilt curiosity that asks questions relentlessly. The word ‘why’ adheres to Newtons laws of physics and will gather momentum and be unable to stop, repeating itself again and again until they either fall asleep or an adult snaps and uses the phrase ‘because it just bloody does!’ The philosopher is most likely to come out during times when time is limited or when trying to put off something that is inevitable but unwanted i.e. Bedtime! Questions are more inclined to be formed around subject matters which are gross, uncomfortable or socially awkward e.g. ‘Mummy why does that lady have a beard?’ ‘How will the baby get out of your tummy?’ Or ‘why is poo brown?’ 

Secret weapon…

The capacity to procrastinate and waste time like no other!

Most likely to be heard saying…

‘WWWWHHHHHHYYYYYYY??’

The Magpie 

Characteristics…

So called due to their ability to get distracted by something shiny… or not shiny… or spotty or stripey or pink or round or basically absolutely anything apart from the thing they are supposed to be focused on at that moment in time!! The Magpie tends to appear when attempting to leave the house, the start of mealtimes or when any basic instruction is given. The lack of focus is heightened if the TV is on or hand held electronic devices are in the vicinity! The general air of distraction usually leads to adults having to repeat the same basic instruction approximately 12 million times! The Magpie becomes particularly prominent when the word ‘homework’ is uttered when every conceivable object, activity and happening in the house becomes more appealing than sitting down and focusing on spellings! 

Secret Weapon…

A protective force field which blocks out parental instructions.

Most likely to be heard saying…

‘Huh??!’ 

The Redeemer

Characteristics…

The Redeemer is generally a character who appears as a follow up to ‘TheTornado’ or ‘The Possessed’. This personality tends to surface when you are on the brink of insanity; when they have pushed every last button, pulled at all your strings and made you shout so loud that you had to have a little sit down! When you are at your lowest and have been googling ‘boarding schools that take them young’, in swoops ‘The Redeemer’ to redress the balance! This will involve either big doughy eyes, the phrase ‘I love you all the world Mummy!’ or telling you that you have nice hair! 

Secret Weapon…

‘The Redemption Hug’ 

Most likely to be heard saying…

‘Sorry Mummy and Daddy- I promise I’ll never ever do it again!’ (Usually while doing ‘it’ again!) 

The Tornado

Characteristics…

This character descends from the Tasmanian Devil and can rip a house to shreds in less than ten seconds. The Tornado can move from one set of toys or games to another every 3 and a half minutes and can sustain this pace for a full 12 hours, putting nothing away in between! They have boundless energy which is heightened in certain habitats (soft play centres in particular!) When multiple tornadoes meet a cataclysmic surge of energy is created and they gather speed and momentum! Tornados are fuelled by food colouring and sugar and experience surges in energy when they’ve been cooped up in a cramped space. An afternoon spent with a Tornado can often leave parents wondering if they have burgled or ransacked and lead them to drink heavily in an evening! 

Secret Weapon…

Super-speed, super-strength and super-volume! 

Most likely to be heard saying…
Anything! Loudly! 

The Denier

Characteristics…

The denier will push themselves to the absolute limit to prove you wrong! ‘I’m not even tired’ (cue falling asleep on the sofa ten minutes before bedtime and thus delaying the aforementioned bedtime by 6 hours!!) ‘I’m not even hungry!’ (Cue constant moaning that they nnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeedddd something to eat the second you give their dinner to the dog!!) ‘I definitely don’t want ‘it’’ (cue four hours of screaming that you’ve thrown ‘it’ away or given ‘it’ away to someone else!!) The denier will perpetually seek out opportunities to mess with your head and make you question your own sanity and opinions! 

Secret weapon…

Mind tricks galore! 

Most likely to be heard saying…

I’m not even….