Parenting by Numbers

6 The number of times I boiled the kettle before I actually got round to making a brew.

5 The number of times I warmed aforementioned brew up in the microwave.

16 The number of times I got up from the table during dinner to fetch essential items like ketchup, ‘better’ spoons and more drinks! 

3 Average number of press studs on a baby vest.

9 Average number of press studs on a babygrow.

65,700 Number of press studs that I’ve undone and done up over the course of 3 babies! (12 per change, 6 changes a day, 365 days a year, 3 babies!) 

2 Percentage of times I’ve accurately lined up the 12 press studs per change without ending up with a spare or having to undo them and start again! 

23 Number of questions Esme just asked in an attempt to procrastinate bedtime (including who is the oldest person we know and why do penguins have wings if they can’t fly???)

3 Number of times I’ve cleaned explosive baby poo off the rug this week! 

513 Average number of times an hour I utter the phrase ‘Stop winding her up/Don’t fight/Be kind to each other/We do not communicate by punching in this house!!’ 

4.5 number of hours sleep last night.

6 bouts of sleep over which the 4.5 hours were spread! 

44 Teeth we have survived!

16 Teeth left to go! 

7 Outfits that Esme has worn and put in the wash basket today! 

456 The number of times I repeated the instruction ‘Please go and brush your teeth!’ This morning.

13 The number of times I’ve removed a frustrated baby from under the sofa as he steadfastly refuses to crawl forwards and instead gets himself wedged moving backwards! 

0 The number of times I’ve left the house clean since we started weaning. 

25 The number of items crammed in the bin since it became full in the ongoing game of ‘it’s your turn to empty it’ that Jon and I play! 

56,765,567 The number of times our washing machine has been on… this week!  

17 Baby toys in a basket for Ted to play with.

1 Power supply cord to Jons laptop- the only thing Ted actually wants to play with!

4 unnecessary bits of plastic tat I bought in the supermarket to waive off embarrassing tantrums! 

20 The percentage of food I’ve cooked for the kids that was actually eaten (by humans, not the dog!) 

5 failed attempts at playing snakes and ladders (no you can’t ‘climb up the snake because it’s yellow and you like yellow!) 

16 The number of times today I presented food or drink in or on the wrong colour plate or cup! 

32 The number of times we’ve read Dear Zoo (today!)

45, 786 The number of hair slides I’ve bought Esme.

45, 786 The number of hair slides Esme has lost! 

973, 465, 987 Types of bacteria, yet to be discovered by science that can be found in the back seat area of the car. 

56 The average number of times I say one of children’s names before getting a response! (The big two at least, Ted instantly responds and is simply grateful of any attention at all!) 

0 The number of conversations I have finished with another adult during the waking hours of children! 

17 The number of consecutive ‘whys?’ Asked as follow up questions on a car journey! 

65,109 The number of things I’ve picked up off the floor and put away today.

78 The average number of times an hour I hear the word ‘poo’! 

1 The number of hands I use to carry out all tasks! Toes are now used to pick things up! 

3 Rice Krispies that I found in my fringe from breakfast, at 3pm after being out all day! 

45 The average amount of minutes it takes us to leave the house once the initial instruction of ‘please put on your shoes!’ Has been issued.  

908, 876, 345 The number of times I’ve negotiated with children since the beginning of the week! (It’s Tuesday!) 

0 The number of things on this list I’d change! God love ‘em! (That’s a lie… I’d get more sleep! And the press studs- I bloody hate those Buggers!)

3 thoughts on “Parenting by Numbers

  1. Not wanting to teach you to suck eggs, however if explosive poos are a regular thing, it can be a sign of an allergy. Not something any doctors etc. Told us at the time :/


    1. These were more poorly/hastily fitted nappy leakages but thanks! The things we discuss eh! 😂 💩


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