Following on from the top ten parenting achievements, I give you epic parenting fails…
1. Leaving the house without baby wipes in the changing bag.
2. Turning up to a ‘fancy dress event’ sans fancy dress! Parties, world book days, doesn’t matter…. you’ve ruined their childhood!
3. Getting caught putting something they made you (or anything they ever touched) in the bin.
4. Going to a changing room in a public place with only a nappy and some wipes from the changing bag only to find the mother of all shit storms and having to do the ‘walk of shame’ through a museum/cafe/garden centre with a chubby baby wearing only a nappy! 4 times in the last 2 weeks this has happened!
5. Turning up for a birthday party at 2.12pm only to find it was at 2pm… Yesterday! Twice!
6. Getting caught ‘charity shopping’ a selection of their ‘untouched for 2 years crap’ only to find out that they apparently can’t possibly be expected to sleep without ‘generic brown dog’ and you have again ruined their life!
7. Promising them a trip out to a life enhancing, visionary, venue of a lifetime (soft play hell on a Saturday) only to get there and find its closed for a private party.
8. Missing the ice cream man after taking too long to put your shoes on!
9. Applying Vicks vapour rub then accidentally touching your eye!
10. Having a spray tan, picking up the baby then inadvertently having to parent a small stripy umpa lumpa for up to a week!
11. Saying out loud ‘we seem to have cracked this sleeping/eating/behaviour business!’ You’ve just guaranteed a succession of sleepless nights/hunger strike/mother of all tantrums in the school yard!
12. Mistaking the sound of silence for harmony! What you are hearing is in fact the sound of conspiracy!
13. Thinking they won’t notice when you put their favourite flea ridden, thread bare soft toy in the wash. They will! And the resolve they will show pressed up against the washing machine door screaming for 2 and a half hours will secretly impress you!
14. Opening the door to the post man with a minimum of one nipple of show! (Sorry I know I’ve mentioned this before but it was actually my sister and it never gets less funny!)
15. Thinking it is possible to ‘nip, pop or scoot’ anywhere in 5 minutes! It is not!
16. Thinking your kids are not listening to your conversation! They are and are just waiting for the perfectly inappropriate opportunity to ask ‘why daddy said uncle Dave is a nob?!’ Probably in front of uncle Dave!
17. Thinking they will forget! Anything! They won’t! Apart from where they put their shoes!
18. Assuming that just because they said they’d finished their dinner, they’ve actually finished their dinner! Getting food back that has already been eaten by the dog has proved futile on many occasion!
19. Not sending back the reading book on the requisite reading record back day! Subtract 12 mummy points!
20. Wearing white! Or black! Or anything with a ‘dry clean only’ label!
Double the fails to successes… feels about right! 😂