Considering starting a family? Listed below are a series of activities that I’ve devised to simulate being a parent and to see if you are in fact ready… Here goes!

1. Stand facing a brick wall and continually shout a name. It does not matter that nothing happens and no one responds- this is what you are aiming for.
2. Pick an instruction. ‘Please put your shoes on’ is a good example. Repeat this instruction over and over again a minimum of 40-50 times. When you begin this process you are aiming to sound like Miss Honey, by the final ten attempts, channel your inner Trunchbull!
3. Spend hours cooking a nutritionally balanced meal. Plate it up and then slide it directly into the bin!
4. Next time you need a wee at work, invite colleagues to come and watch you!
5. Sit down with the intention of having a conversation with your partner. Ask a drunk friend to sit in the corner of the room and shout your name every ten seconds while playing on a drum kit and loudly blowing into a French horn for the duration of the conversation.
6. Make a hot beverage. Leave said hot beverage on a windowsill/table/worktop until cold. Warm it back up in the microwave and then repeat the first step again. Do this over and over until it is a socially acceptable time to drink wine instead.
7. Set an alarm on your phone that goes off every hour in the night. On each occasion get up and get your partner a drink of water, take them for a wee, check under the bed to make sure there are not any stray lions, put the covers back on them (even though they are easily in reach for them to do it themselves) and most importantly ask a million questions that ponder the meaning of life and why some people have an outy belly button at sometime between 3-5am.
8. If you are planning on breast feeding, vigorously rub your nipples with sandpaper for 2-4 weeks. People will tell you that it only hurts if the baby is not latched on properly- these people are lying! Normal nipples (ie those not belonging to porn stars!) are not used to the friction of being sucked on 12 hours a day!!
9. Wander around public places with your boob hanging out. Give yourself 2 extra bonus points if you open the door to the postman with two nipples on show!
10. Set a fire going in your back garden. On the hour, every hour, go and throw a crisp £20 note on it. This is good practice for all the money you’ll waste on food they won’t eat, clothes they won’t wear/grow out of and the cost of childcare!
11. Get a credit check- you’ll need the facility to re-mortgage when they start wearing shoes!
12. Get a friend to ask you a question. Ask them to follow the question up with the word ‘why?’ either 100 times or until you break and use the phrase ‘because it just does!’
13. Go into your house and empty the contents of every drawer, cupboard, wardrobe and storage box onto the floor. Pick everything up and put it away. Empty the contents of every drawer, cupboard, wardrobe and storage box onto the floor. Pick everything up and put it away. Repeat these two steps until the children move out or the sweet release of death!!
14. Pick up your kitchen bin. Walk outside to your car and empty its contents into the back seat area of your car, taking care to get the messiest bits rubbed right into the seams of the upholstery. Tune out your partners rants about the state of the ‘bloody car’ and when the odour and accumulation of plastic crap finally get too much, take the car somewhere secluded and torch it- no one in their right mind would ever buy it anyway!!
15. Order a bed of nails from eBay and walk up and down on it. This is approximately 1% of the pain you feel when you step on lego for the first time but it will start to acclimatise your feet.
16. Instead of planning a weekend trip including a visit to the theatre with a spot of brunch, go to Decathalon for hours upon hours of entertainment riding bikes, playing in tents, archery and walking up and down on that little adventure playground bit that you test walking shoes on!
17. Ask someone to follow you round continually shouting out the words ‘bum/poo poo/wee wee’ etc at the top of their voice.
18. Begin practicing eating meals with just a fork- It’ll be approximately 8-10 years before you have the use of 2 hands at the same time again.
19. Get into the habit of shouting ‘We’re late AGAIN!’ every time you leave the house.
20. Accessorise your outfits with odd looking stains and rice krispies scattered through your fringe. If you have an important meeting at work, ensure you have at least one Peppa Pig sparkly sticker stuck to your arse.
21. Instead of avoiding things that you know will smell unpleasant, actively sniff them out!
22. Prepare to leave the house for an hour long visit by packing the equivalent mass that you would have previously taken on a four day visit to Barcelona. Actually going to Barcelona would require the entire contents of your house being decanted into the back of your car! Removal men may be required!
23. Attempt to fold a concrete slab in half. This simulates the experience of trying to get an angry baby in to a car seat- when they set their mind to it they can develop the rigidity of a breeze block!
24. Next time you have a hangover, instead of staying in bed all day snoozing, hire a drum and bass DJ to play at full volume with speakers immediately next to your ears and hire angry midgets to poke you continuously in the eye!
25. When having a bath, bail cupfuls of water out and throw them on every available surface! On the plus side, wiping up the excess water constitutes cleaning the bathroom!

That should just about cover it… Sound appealing?! Just kidding; it’s the best job in the world!